Dad

Wow. 2013. I was absent from this blog for the end of 2012. To be honest, my goal was to keep this blog fun and light, but my Dad died in the fall and I had trouble finding fun and light things to write about. In fact, I went to a holiday party just before Christmas…when there was a lull in the conversation I started to rack my brain for some conversation starters. The only topics I could come up with were baby poop and how to execute a last will and testament. Needless to say, I wasn’t invited to any more holiday parties. 

As soon as the baby was ready to travel last year, I planned a September trip to visit my Dad for his 65^th birthday. I wanted the little guy to meet his grandpa. And boy am I happy we made the trip. When we arrived I could tell that Dad had been keeping quiet about how bad his emphysema had become. His activity was restricted to the couch and a short radius around it. TJ was at the stage when being on a blanket and trying to roll over occupied him for hours. So I put a blanket in front of the couch and the three of us just hung out for a few days. Dad and TJ had an instant connection. And it wasn’t just because Dad had a nose for TJ to grab onto. The two of them babbled to each other all day long, giggling and holding onto each other’s fingers. I managed to get a few words in edge-wise to ask Dad questions…things we don’t think to ask our parents about their lives…his teen years, his time in Vietnam, his career. He had strong feelings about staying in his home to die. I told him I wanted to be there to help him at the end. He said he would tell me when he needed me, but was never quite forthcoming about how much help he really did need. Too stoic and proud. And stubborn. Four weeks later, I was on the plane on the way to see him again when he died. We had already said our goodbyes, but I wish I had been there. Hugged him one more time. Said thank you one more time. I think of him constantly. At first it saddened me every time something came up that I wouldn’t be able to share with him. Now I’m starting to see reminders and thoughts of him as little pieces of his sense of humor that have stuck around and that I get to share with his grandson. Slowly but surely, the fun and light will come back.

Dad wasn’t strong enough to hold TJ when they met, but I managed to balance a lap sit so that I could get one photo of the two of them together.  I will cherish it and that trip forever.