Chuck Yeager

I saw Sam Shepard in the East Village. It’s the second time I’ve been within the realm of a possibility of speaking to him, but I just can’t bring myself to do it. It’s not that I’m intimidated by his celebrity, because I’ve approached other famous people. With Sam it’s different. I’ve always had for him what I can only call a cross between a Dad crush and a wish that I'd been his age in New York in the 60's and 70's. It all started in ninth grade when we read The Right Stuff for English. My English teacher was retired Air Force so we read The Illiad and The Oddessy each in just two weeks, but spent an entire six-week grading period studying The Right Stuff. There were model planes all around the room, videos from the view of a simulator, field trip to NASA. We watched the movie twice. And ooooh…Sam as Chuck Yeager. Brave, rugged, mysterious Chuck Yeager. His performance stole my little ninth grade heart. A couple years later I discovered his plays and the mystery of Sam grew exponentially. My dream role to this day is Beth in A Lie of the Mind. At one point I read an interview with Sam in which he tiptoed around the fact that he followed the writings of Gurdjieff. My parents were in a Gurdjieff group when I was young so I understood the tiptoeing and felt another instant connection. He seems somehow equally loyal to his roots while exploring outrageous creative possibilities; raw and vulgar while classy and gentleman-like; fiercely emotional while stoically intelligent; rigid with good posture while completely comfortable in his skin.  One of those people that could know more about you than you know about yourself in just a few minutes of conversation. So you can understand why I've frozen up both times I’ve been near him. What could I possibly say to such a man? But the third time is a charm, right? Oh Sam, what shall I ask you first when I see you next?

Man has no individual I. But there are, instead, hundreds and thousands of separate small "I"s, very often entirely unknown to one another, never coming into contact, or, on the contrary, hostile to each other, mutually exclusive and incompatible. Each minute, each moment, man is saying or thinking, "I". And each time his I is different. Just now it was a thought, now it is a desire, now a sensation, now another thought, and so on, endlessly.

- G.I. Gurdjieff

The Belly

My pregnant belly and I waddled onto the subway the other day. No seats and no one jumping up to offer my belly a seat, so I grabbed onto the pole by the door. Across from me was a woman in her 70’s wearing a floor length fur coat.  Also standing. She smiled at me and spoke with a thick Russian accent, “These people. No respect. We stand here and that boy sits!” I follow her bony finger to a 20 year old kid sleeping on the bench, his headphones blaring music, and his jaw slack with escaping drool. “Oh, they’re just not paying attention,” I say, giving everyone the benefit of the doubt. “Not paying attention?!” she hollers, “you watch, I throw $100 dollars to the floor, they pay attention!” Then she comes at me with her Skeletor hands, wraps them around my belly and proclaims: “AHA, it is a BOY!” How did she know that??? I kind of wanted to hear more predictions, but we were at my stop so I ripped my belly out of her hands just in time to slip out the door.

People really do look at you differently (or don’t look at you at all) when you have a baby belly. The acting world says to call them when you get back in shape. Strangers smile when they first make eye contact, but then notice the bump, become extremely uncomfortable, stutter and get away as soon as possible.  People close to you won’t let you do things because they think you’re fragile. Sure, I move slowly, demand odd foods and cry on occasion, but there’s no need to marginalize me. Besides, I owe it to my son to show him that I’m a doer, right?

So here’s me doing: had a great talk with my friend and partner in writing and crime. We’re going to shoot a few shorts for the web in March. Not too big of an undertaking…we’re talking a weekend and a few bucks. But it’s getting my creative juices flowing and I can’t wait. Watch out world, here come me and my belly!

Things won are done, joy's soul lies in the doing.

-William Shakespeare