Picture Pages

the verdict on a few 'to do list' activities:

build shelves (thanks Rocco!) = SUCCESS

from previous post: 'Sweet Procrastination'

tax forms (still blank) = FAIL

find good breakfast tacos in Brooklyn = SUCCESS

www.guerosbrooklyn.com

taste new Hershey's Air Delight (they put air bubbles where chocolate used to be and charge you the same amount) = FAIL

walk through sunny Prospect Park = SUCCESS

replant the ivy without killing it = FAIL

book the pregnant lady role on "Unforgettable" = FAIL

grow a big fat baby belly = SUCCESS

You're never a loser until you quit trying.
- Mike Ditka

Shit non-pregnant girls say...to pregnant girls.

Picture me in a bad wig with a valley girl accent.

I want to be cute when I’m pregnant.

How do you stand not being able to drink?

You should be enjoying how big your boobs are.

How do your pants stay up?

I had a friend who did an all-natural home birth.

I hear you’re supposed to do Kegels.

You know people aren’t circumcising baby boys anymore.

I couldn’t live without sushi for nine months.

Could you walk a little faster?

I bet you always get a seat on the subway.

Your pants have an elastic waistband?

When I have a baby, I’m going to take him everywhere.

Can I touch your belly?

When I’m a mom, I won’t let it affect my career.

Aren’t you sad it’s not a girl?

You know your vajayjay will never be the same.

I hear you poop right there in front of everyone.

Are you wearing grannie panties?

Do your Kegels.

I’m scared of getting stretch marks.

I can’t wait to dress my baby in all those adorable tiny outfits.

I can barely take care of my plants and you’re going to be a mom.

Can I see the waistband of your pants?

When I’m pregnant, I’ll eat only raw organic foods.

It’s so cute the way you waddle.

What are you naming it?

Why are you crying?

Are you doing Kegels right now?

If pregnancy were a book they would cut the last two chapters.
-Nora Ephron

The Belly

My pregnant belly and I waddled onto the subway the other day. No seats and no one jumping up to offer my belly a seat, so I grabbed onto the pole by the door. Across from me was a woman in her 70’s wearing a floor length fur coat.  Also standing. She smiled at me and spoke with a thick Russian accent, “These people. No respect. We stand here and that boy sits!” I follow her bony finger to a 20 year old kid sleeping on the bench, his headphones blaring music, and his jaw slack with escaping drool. “Oh, they’re just not paying attention,” I say, giving everyone the benefit of the doubt. “Not paying attention?!” she hollers, “you watch, I throw $100 dollars to the floor, they pay attention!” Then she comes at me with her Skeletor hands, wraps them around my belly and proclaims: “AHA, it is a BOY!” How did she know that??? I kind of wanted to hear more predictions, but we were at my stop so I ripped my belly out of her hands just in time to slip out the door.

People really do look at you differently (or don’t look at you at all) when you have a baby belly. The acting world says to call them when you get back in shape. Strangers smile when they first make eye contact, but then notice the bump, become extremely uncomfortable, stutter and get away as soon as possible.  People close to you won’t let you do things because they think you’re fragile. Sure, I move slowly, demand odd foods and cry on occasion, but there’s no need to marginalize me. Besides, I owe it to my son to show him that I’m a doer, right?

So here’s me doing: had a great talk with my friend and partner in writing and crime. We’re going to shoot a few shorts for the web in March. Not too big of an undertaking…we’re talking a weekend and a few bucks. But it’s getting my creative juices flowing and I can’t wait. Watch out world, here come me and my belly!

Things won are done, joy's soul lies in the doing.

-William Shakespeare